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Unique

Yahuweh calls me unique. He has made me uniquely, for a specific purpose, and He delights in me. Actually, I tickle Him, He says.

Tonight was so much fun. I attended a spirit-filled worship service I had been so eager to attend. It was the first time in ten months I participated in a spirit-filled corporate worship, and I was excited. I actually cried in the car because I had missed these people so much, and I was so happy to see them. Yahuweh’s presence was thick, and I could not stop smiling because He fills me with such joy. Worship lasted nearly two hours, but when it was over I thought it had hardly been an hour.

I received a prophetic word of knowledge after the service, which also my first in ten months. You get a little nervous, because you’re worried Yahuweh is going to scold you, and tell you what you’re doing wrong. But it’s never that. (In fact, if it is that, you know it’s not from Yahuweh.) Prophetic words are always encouraging, always edifying, always for building you up.

Through the blessing of three beautiful women, Yahuweh reminded me of my uniqueness. The vision was of a bowl of marbles, and all the marbles were blue, but mine was the only red one. I stick out, but in a good way, a way that people like. This reminded me of another word I received spring 2012, that I am a desert flower, sticking out in the wilderness. Yahuweh is encouraging me not to worry that I am different, or that I stick out. That is the way He fashioned me, and He has plans for it.

He said that I am not afraid. That I am acting not to bring attention to myself, but for the honor of the King. He knows my heart, and He loves my heart. It was good to be told that I am not acting for myself, because the enemy lies to me and tries to discourage me from my ministry. He tells me I’m self-centered and attention-seeking. But Yahuweh reminds me that He knows my heart and has plans for me. He has put these things on my heart, and He knows that it is not for my own gain that I seek Him, and He wants to remind me of that.

But also He said that I am ready to go from being spotted to having stripes. The woman who said that word did not know what He meant by that, but I knew right away. He is talking about my transformation from traditional Christian practice to restoring Hebrew worship. Yahuweh made me unique. He designed me specifically. He has plans for me. He is encouraging me to keep walking on the path He set for me, and reminding me that I have no fear. I keep asking Him to take away my fear, but He says I have none. HalleluYah!

Yahuweh bless you and guard you
Yahuweh make His face to shine upon you
Yahuweh lift His face upon you and give you shalom

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Mistakes

This is kind of a continuation of yesterday’s thought, but I’m starting to enjoy when things fall apart, well, after they’ve fallen apart. The things that didn’t go according to plan today were making almond milk, making a rice dish, cleaning up my house, getting all the flies out, and more. However, I was not stressed by any of these things, which again is liberating. This morning it took longer to sieve the almond milk than I thought, and I had an appointment to get to. So I put the not-yet-sieved bit in a different jar to sieve later. The rice dish turned out unpleasant, so I just threw it away. There are too many dishes to clean tonight. I’ll clean them tomorrow. The flies? Okay, don’t have an answer for the flies yet.

That paragraph was probably too much information to be telling to strangers on the internet because you don’t care exactly how I did or did not solve my problems. But for me, this is a landmark time in my life. The old me would have insisted that I finish making all of the milk before I left, or insisted on finding someone to eat the horrid rice dish instead of just admitting it was bad and throwing it away. Maybe leaving dishes until morning or having a fly problem is not a sign of my growth, but it is a sign that I can’t be perfect every day of the week. I just did too much cooking today = lots of dishes. The flies? That’s my mother’s story.

With each mistake I make, I grow. It sounds really cheesy, but I’m finally starting to understand the meaning of that idea. I’m not even worrying about having a perfect blog entry today, because there’s no way I can be an awesome blogger after only a couple months, and only a few entries. The mistakes I make when I practice are like the pains in my body. When I am tired, or have a stomach ache or a headache, my body is telling me that something is wrong and I need to fix it. The mistakes I make as I practice writing or music tell me what I need to work on to be a better writer or pianist.

I have to admit I can’t do it by myself. Dwelling in the presence of Yahuweh is the only way such revelations are possible at my age. Every time I think of Him, say His name, plug into His presence, I am filled with such joy. He reminds to be patient. He guides me step by step. There may be thought processes that are purely me, but I’d rather give Him the credit than not. All praise and esteem be to Yahuweh, the only wise kind.

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Freedom

I’ve been home for almost a full month now, and I definitely feel liberated, in a sense. Of course I still have stress factors in my life, but the sense of freedom I have now is quite nice. One source of freedom is not being attached to the computer. While I was in Japan, my computer and the internet was my connection to my family and my friends. But now that I am home, I can use my phone, although I hardly use that either.

Being detached from the internet is only a symbol of my real liberation, and that is to be free of planning. Before I was back in the states,  I only had the future, or so I thought. I was stressed by both my new gluten intolerance and missing my boyfriend. I spent hours and hours planning food I wanted to make. And any activity with my boyfriend was a dream, a plan for what we could do over the summer. I was also concerned with money, so I started planning jobs I could do.

Of course, I still have a tendency to make plans and schedules. But I’m finally starting to realize just how much my scheduling doesn’t matter. For example, last week I had planned a *perfect* gluten free date with my boyfriend. But then I didn’t have the money I expected to buy the ingredients, and he couldn’t be out late, and I had to drive my mother somewhere and on and on. What was supposed to be a fun night with my boyfriend turned into a disaster, my plan in shambles.

Actually, any plan I’ve made lately hasn’t really worked. I thought I’d get to see my boyfriend four days a week — more like two. I thought I’d have all this time to work on my writing — this is my first blog entry in four weeks. I thought I’d have time for all this cooking — I get to make two or three fancy meals a week.

When I get on the computer I plan. I sit on Pinterest for hours and plan meals and dates and projects. Without the computer, I sit and read, I spend more time in prayer, and I talk to my mother for hours. I let the day be itself. But after a month I remembered I do need to be on the computer, if only a little bit. But I will not plan it, and I will not schedule it. I will let it be a small part of my day, and let the rest of the day unfold.

Okay, I’m not sure where this is going. But don’t misunderstand me. Computers and the internet are not bad, I just don’t like the person I turn into when I’m on it. And it’ll be a miracle if I can get one blog entry a day, but I’ll try. Thank you Yahuweh for teaching that Your plans are greater than my plans, and Your thoughts higher than mine.