I’ve been home for almost a full month now, and I definitely feel liberated, in a sense. Of course I still have stress factors in my life, but the sense of freedom I have now is quite nice. One source of freedom is not being attached to the computer. While I was in Japan, my computer and the internet was my connection to my family and my friends. But now that I am home, I can use my phone, although I hardly use that either.
Being detached from the internet is only a symbol of my real liberation, and that is to be free of planning. Before I was back in the states, I only had the future, or so I thought. I was stressed by both my new gluten intolerance and missing my boyfriend. I spent hours and hours planning food I wanted to make. And any activity with my boyfriend was a dream, a plan for what we could do over the summer. I was also concerned with money, so I started planning jobs I could do.
Of course, I still have a tendency to make plans and schedules. But I’m finally starting to realize just how much my scheduling doesn’t matter. For example, last week I had planned a *perfect* gluten free date with my boyfriend. But then I didn’t have the money I expected to buy the ingredients, and he couldn’t be out late, and I had to drive my mother somewhere and on and on. What was supposed to be a fun night with my boyfriend turned into a disaster, my plan in shambles.
Actually, any plan I’ve made lately hasn’t really worked. I thought I’d get to see my boyfriend four days a week — more like two. I thought I’d have all this time to work on my writing — this is my first blog entry in four weeks. I thought I’d have time for all this cooking — I get to make two or three fancy meals a week.
When I get on the computer I plan. I sit on Pinterest for hours and plan meals and dates and projects. Without the computer, I sit and read, I spend more time in prayer, and I talk to my mother for hours. I let the day be itself. But after a month I remembered I do need to be on the computer, if only a little bit. But I will not plan it, and I will not schedule it. I will let it be a small part of my day, and let the rest of the day unfold.
Okay, I’m not sure where this is going. But don’t misunderstand me. Computers and the internet are not bad, I just don’t like the person I turn into when I’m on it. And it’ll be a miracle if I can get one blog entry a day, but I’ll try. Thank you Yahuweh for teaching that Your plans are greater than my plans, and Your thoughts higher than mine.